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A favorite game of my daughter’s and mine is to grab a make-up kit and paint each other’s face.

In this installment, Inés is a craggy old lady and I, apparently, am a clown with five eyes. Or is it two eyes and three COCONUTS? You be the judge.

But that’s not the real reason that I’m posting this photo. The real reason is to prove to my friend “BeeP” at Culinary Fool—who frequently mocks me for never smiling for photos—that I do, in fact, have all my teeth.

With all this talk about COCONUT recently, you may have forgotten all about our friend Jasemine.

Several months have passed since Jazzy has pulled-up a barstool here at the VTB. That’s too long.

So I snatched her from the sidewalk during her walk this morning and—channeling the spirit of the now-deceased Crocodile Hunter—wrestled the mighty beast for a full ten seconds until my digicam’s self-timer snapped the above photo.

And here she is! As stubborn as ever…yet still adorable. My-oh-my…how my little girl has grown.

I must take a moment to pay tribute to my favorite cheesehead/artist/trivia-savant, Lisa—who left the following, absolutely brilliant, Comment in the VTB Chat Lounge tonight:

Look at it, folks! Look at it closely! It may take a minute or two, but it will eventually hit you.

Thanks, Lisa. You’re the apple of my Cow Pie.

There are some people whose only taste of COCONUT during their entire lives was within the context of an Almond Joy or Raspberry Zinger.

Come to think of it, that still sounds like a pretty damn good life. But a true coco-head really should try this ambrosia in its purest state.

So this afternoon, my daughter–who, BTW, loves COCONUT almost as much as I do–and I created this short tutorial. But before I begin, let me put your minds at ease. The victim in this tutorial was not Captain Coconut. It was a stunt double.

So, let’s get started.

Step 1: Take a COCONUT, a hammer and a Phillips-head screwdriver. Then, reenact that famous scene from “Oedipus Rex.” Yes, that’s right…you must drive that screwdriver through two of the COCONUT’S eyes. No, it’s not necessary that the COCONUT in question marry his mother. Drain the liquid from the COCONUT and drink it, or something.

Step 2: Roast the whole COCONUT in a 375ºF oven for twenty minutes.

Step 3: When cool, grab that hammer again and crack the COCONUT.

Step 4: Peel the dark brown skin off of the outside of the COCONUT flesh.

Step 5: Crunch away, amigos.

Fat Sal never breaks a promise.

That’s true under normal circumstances. But it’s triple-dog true when that promise pertains to his beloved COCONUT.

So recall, if you will, that I recently committed to our good friend Euro Trac that I would dress Captain Coconut as The King.

And so…as you see above…another promise has been fulfilled.

Hey Trac, why don’t you tell everyone what type of sandwich that is?

I had seen the brown UPS van driving through my neighborhood yesterday, and it struck me as odd.

DHL, TNT and Federal Express are common sights around here. But I hadn’t seen a UPS van for at least a year.

“Whatever!” I muttered to myself, and went back to my desk to resume the crucial task at hand—trying to hang hoop-earrings on a COCONUT.

Then the doorbell rang.

I ran downstairs, opened the door and found myself face-to-face with man dressed from head to toe in brown polyester. He was holding a very large, very well-wrapped cardboard box.

“Package for Mr. Fat Sal.”

I signed for the package, took it from the UPS guy and looked at the mailing label. It was postmarked, “Copenhagen, Denmark.”

“Copenhagen?!” I thought to myself. “Copenhagen? Copenh…HEY!!! Isn’t it almost the month of…!!!”

I spun ‘round on my heel, ran into the house, tossed the package on the kitchen island and grabbed the nearest knife.

I sliced through the packing tape, peeled open the boxtop and parted the bubble wrap.

There they were! Just as I had hoped. Two 0.5 liter bottles of Paulaner Oktoberfest Beer and a note that said the following:
”INSERTING INTO MOUTH MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH.”

Thank you, Anders…on what is happily becoming an annual event. You’re the best Viking friend a guy could ever have.

And Happy Oktoberfest to all.

My scholarly dissertation on the Spanish “cocktail,” Calimocho, is now published in The Spirit World.

Check it out by clicking here.