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My grandmother celebrated her 83rd birthday last week, and received a cellular phone as a gift from my uncle. Since then, I’ve tried to call her at least seven times…but to no avail. She’s hasn’t once answered the phone. So I called my father instead, and asked what’s the problem.

“Oh…your grandmother leaves the cell phone at home when she goes out.”

[Pause]

Leaves the cell phone at home? That seems a bit like buying a new car, but only using it to listen to the radio while sitting in the driveway.

Perhaps I’ll reconsider the Blackberry® that I was going to buy her for Christmas.

NONNIE OLIVA’S MACARONI SAUCE (UTICA, NY)

56 oz. Crushed Tomato
56 oz. Tomato Puree
24 oz. Tomato Paste
Salt & Pepper
Fresh Parsley (minced)
Fresh Basil (slivered or chopped)
3-4 cloves of Garlic
Water (no more than 28 oz.)
Olive oil

Red wine for deglazing

1 lbs. Italian Sausage
1 lbs. Pork “Country Ribs” (salted and peppered)
1 lbs. Beef Chuck (cut into cubes, salted and peppered)
Meatballs (see recipe below, or use store-bought meatballs…which is what I do)
Optional (I rarely include this anymore):  Bracciole (see recipe below) or, if I’m feeling lazy, a long slab of Skirt Steak (cut into pieces, salted and peppered).

*Note:   If making this on the stovetop, my preference is to double this recipe.  Seriously…if you’re going to trash an entire weekend making sauce, you might as well make a ton and freeze it.   But I never make it on the stovetop any more.  See Note 2 below.

Step 1:  Cut meat and sausage into chunks.  Combine meats and garlic cloves in large bowl or hotel pan.  Salt, pepper, and toss.

Step 2:  In a large sauté pan, fry meats  and garlic (in batches) in olive oil at medium-high heat until browned on all sides. Transfer browned batches of all meats  and garlic into large kettle (off heat).

Step 3: Add tomato paste to rendered fats and (stirring frequently) fry on medium heat until darkened, but not burned. Transfer fried tomato paste into the kettle with the meat and garlic. If any browned bits cling to the bottom of the sauté pan, then deglaze with red wine, reduce, and transfer to the kettle.

Step 4: Add crushed tomato, tomato puree, and water to kettle. Cook on low heat until the sauce gets hot, then simmer on lowest heat possible. Stir frequently, being very careful not to allow the sauce on the bottom of the pot to scorch or the meatballs to disintegrate.

Step 5: Continue to simmer.  Read a book.  Hell, write a book.  Talk to your spouse.  Just don’t forget to stir frequently. Your goal is to babysit that pot of sauce until all the meat to be tender and nearly falling apart. It sounds torturous, but the house will smell so good…you won’t want to leave.  Total simmering time (from start to finish) can be anywhere from 8 to 12 hours.  As my grandmother would say, “Just taste it.”

Step 6: When sauce is done, stir in the parsley (and/or basil).  Top with freshly grated Pecorino Romano or Parmeggiano Reggiano cheese when served.  Buy the good Italian stuff, not an ugly step-child from Wisconsin.  I also like a good sprinkling of red pepper flakes or a drizzle of chile-infused EVOO, because I am a spicy dude.

Note: This will make A LOT of sauce…but it freezes well. Divide the remaining sauce and meat into plastic containers and freeze.  Also, I’ve simmered this sauce for as many as twelve hours.  Your goal is for the meat to be tender and nearly falling apart.

Note 2 and Life-changing #ProTip:  Did you know that you can skip 6-12 hours of babysitting a stovetop kettle by making this recipe in a slow cooker?  Yeah, it’s true.  You don’t even need to stir or stay home.  I can’t believe it took me this long to think of it.  Follow steps 1-4 as described above, BUT…instead of transferring the ingredients to a pot, transfer them to two (2) 6 quart slow cookers (or cut the recipe in half if using only one slow cooker…but seriously, just spend the extra $30 and buy a second slow cooker).  Set the slow cooker(s) to “Low,” then come back in 8-12 hours ready to eat.

Note 3:  I tried to make this recipe (again, cutting it in half) in an Instant Pot–believing that 8 hours of simmering could be reduced to a mere 20 minutes under high pressure.  And it would have worked, if it weren’t for that meddling “Burn” warning.  Yes, sadly…the Instant Pot “Burn” function kept triggering before the sauce reached high pressure.  If anybody can figure out how to get the sauce to high pressure without triggering “Burn,” you’ll likely find a Nobel Prize under the tree next Christmas.  That said, if you have an old school/low-tech stovetop pressure cooker, give it a try and let me know if my hypothesis holds [pasta] water.  I’ll betcha it does.

MEATBALLS

¾ lbs. Ground Beef
¾ lbs. Ground Pork
3-4 slices of Bread (soaked in water and squeezed)
1 Egg
Garlic (minced)
Fresh Parsley
Fresh Basil
Salt & Pepper
¼ cup Grated Cheese

Step 1: Mix ingredients.

Step 2: Roll into balls.

Step 3: Fry in olive oil until browned. Let cool on a paper towel-lined plate.

Disclaimer:  I haven’t made homemade meatballs in years, much to my mother’s chagrin.  It’s just too much trouble.  I buy froze meatballs from the grocery store and fry them along with the other meats.  Honestly, I can’t tell the difference in the finished product and it saves me at least an hour’s worth of labor.

BRACCIOLE

1-1.5 lbs. Round Steak (sliced thinly)
Fresh Parsley
Salt & Pepper
Garlic (minced and sautéed) or Garlic Powder
Grated Cheese
Kitchen Twine or Toothpicks

Step 1: Pound steak with mallet.

Step 2: Slice steak into strips (i.e., wider/longer strips for big bracciole; narrower/shorter strips for small bracciole).

Step 3: Sprinkle steak strips with salt, pepper, garlic (or garlic powder), parsley and cheese.

Step 4: Roll strips like a jelly roll, so that the seasonings are inside the roll. Tie with twine or spear with toothpicks, so that they won’t unroll.

Step 5: Fry in olive oil until browned.

Yet Another Disclaimer:  I rarely make bracciole.  Honestly, the above combo of ribs, chuck, meatballs, and (most importantly) sausage is more than sufficient.

Another “Post for Posterity.”

THE ULTIMATE LAZY-ASS BLOGGER TEMPLATE!

Dear Blog readers:

Let me tell you about the day I’ve had.

When I woke up at ___ this morning, the weather was ___. I worked for a few hours and, in need of a midday break, decided to walk to my favorite bar, “_____.” But it was very crowded, so I turned around and went to “_____,” which was just a few doors down. I ordered a glass of ____ and a couple plates of _____. The ____ were fresh and crispy, although the ____ were a tad salty for my palate.

Suddenly I heard a rumble at the door. I turned my head to look. You’ll never guess who walked in! It was ______, star of the hit TV series _____. I was so flustered that I nearly dropped my ____ on the floor.

Well, you can imagine my shock when he/she walked directly to me and asked for a ______. I rifled through my pockets, but couldn’t find one. I started to panic. How could I possible fail a big star like ____ in such a simple request?!

Then I had an idea. Instead of giving him/her a ____ as he/she requested, I’ll give him/her a _______. It was a brilliant display of thinking on my feet! So I confidently extended my hand and handed him/her the ____.

At first there was a look of intense surprize on his/her face. Then he/she reached over, put his/her hand on my shoulder, and whispered the following in my ear: “___________.”

We both giggled and blushed. Suddenly, he/she handed me a folded note. “Don’t read it until I’ve left,” he/she said sternly. Then he/she turned on his/her heel, and walked toward the door. Pausing at the doorway, he/she turned his/her head and nodded.

I unfurled the note. My elbows jerked straight and my shorthairs stood on end. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It said “_____________________.”

And that, my friends, was the day I had today. Check in tomorrow for a new post.