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I wish my enemies long lives

So that they may live to see all my successes.

[Author unknown.]

Dear Sirs and Madams:

Let’s touch base to touch base regarding the leveraging of key concepts for promulgation and nurturing of core departmental, functional, and cross-corporate/cultural pollination. Specifically, paradigm-shifts, benchmarking, synergy, envisioneering and leverage championing are at the forefront of our core challenge. Allow me to elaborate further.

That which our department necessitates is a quantitative and qualitative trading infrastructure (be it through software, coaching, brainstorming, downsizing, right-sizing, real-sizing, restructuring, reengineering, reprocessing, realization, cognitive dissonance roleplaying or otherwise) that will enable the corporate culture to efficiently and effectively implement sophisticated non-parametric trading strategies for its growing client base. Metrics and granularity will be key to this process. Dedicated subject matter experts and customer intimacy facilitators will evangelize the attributes and business imperatives of product line synergies, with the medium-term action item of kick-starting the internal/external processes that will facilitate their ultimate bearing of fruit. What is the touch-stone that will allow us to leverage this functionality to its logical conclusion? Allow me to philosophize this concept further.

This prime directive of this action plan is to rationalize, commercialize, socialize and capitalize on the various linear and non-linear discontinuous change drivers with an intense sense of urgency. Every member of our team (each of which being an essential cog driving the corporate revenue-generation machinery) must offer individual leadership and a personal commitment to achieving and/or exceeding their own set of mission-critical goals and deliverables towards building a more cohesive corporate singularity and value-chain. Accelerating the pace of change will be the key to success and a major factor behind achieving our goal of reaching “Best in Class” status by Q4. What are the metrics driving this imperative? Allow me explanitize with deeper granularity.

We need a degree of autonomy with processes in place to sandbox our activity within acceptable constraints. Hopefully this will allow us to ring-fence our previous value-enhancing competencies and exorcize any recalcitrant empressorial hobgoblins, so that all internal gatekeeper, loss-leaders, task-masters and image-enhancers will be singing from the same hymn-sheet of synergistic profitability facilitation. The imperative mission of such non-diluding change agents is to get into the psychological profile of the perceived customer, to gain a tri-dimensional visual perception of them in their given base environment, and enhance customer intimacy within the perceived framework of EBIT maximization. Of course, this will require that we monetize some under-utilized physical assets, as well as leverage various tactical and strategic partnerships in a synergy of blue-sky intra- and extra-box thinking in order to develop a big picture of client-partner activities for symbiotic development through effective touch-base communication.

These themes are critical to our success in 2003 as we continue our journey towards a services grid model, with high-availability systems underpinned by a robust standards base; as we continue to decouple vertical silos and move closer to “real-time”; as we disaggregate bundled and archaic cost structures and reaggregate them by asset class, thereby providing our business with the nimbleness, flexibility and responsiveness they need; and as we reduce product proliferation and increase straight-through-processing. You will hear more about this in Q1 ’04.

Let’s throw this one up the flag pole and see if anyone salutes it. Let’s action the action items and touch base in Q3 via a non verbal communiqué. I look forward to partnering with you on this roadmap, in order to cultivate a synergistic and mutually-beneficial win-win scenario.

Best regards,
Fat Sal

Madrid and Barcelona have a rivalry as intense as its NY/LA counterpart; only worse. At least NY and LA speak the same damn language. This rivalry certainly extends to matters of the tummy, and I anticipate a rash of complaints that my Madrid restaurant recommendations below should be followed by a listing of prime Barcelona eats.

Because the “country” of Catalunya is rightly proud of its culinary heritage, because Catalunya is home to 50% of Spain’s Michelin three-star restaurants, and because my own lovely daughter Inés is Catalan, I am compelled by a sense of fairness and diplomacy to list below my favorite restaurants in Barcelona (and one in Sitges).

AGUA

Pg. Maritim de la Barceloneta 30 (in Port Olimpic)

93-225-1272

Specializes in paella. Right on the sea. Reservation required.

BILBAO

Perill 33 (in Gracia neighborhood)

93-458-96-24

My favorite restaurant in Barcelona. “Market cuisine.” Cash only.

Reservation highly recommended.

CAL PEP

Plaza de les Olles 8

93-310-7961

Specializes in fried fish. Best seats are at the bar. If you go for

lunch, get there BEFORE they open and wait. Otherwise, you will never get a seat.

FOLQUER

Torrent de l’Olla 3

93-217-43-95

Great restaurant with refined cooking.

FRIENDS

Deu i Mata 125

93-439-3556

Great Catalan “home cooking.” Restaurant looks like your aunt’s living room. Note that all the waitresses look exactly the same.

QU-QU

Passeig de Gracia (near Casa Batllo, but on other side of road)

Great tapas. Large selection.

XAPELA

Passeig de Gracia (near Casa Batllo, but on other side of road)

Great Basque pintxos.

ELS POLLOS DE LLULL

Ramon Turro 13 (Tel: 93-221-3206)

Napols 272 (Tel: 93-162-2250)

Second best chicken in Europe. The best is a place in Lisbon called “Bon Jardim,” but that’s a subject for another post.

CAN CARGOL

Valencia 324

93-458-9631

Grilled meats. Cheap prices.

LA BELLA NAPOLI

Villarroel 101

93-454-7056

Barcelona’s best pizza. True Naples-style pizza. Run by Italians.

Pizzas cooked in wood-burning oven.

LARRUSKAIN

Mallorca 442

93-232-2367

Basque “asador.” House specialty is roast monkfish. Close to Sagrada

Familia.

TXOKOA

Marimon 20

93-414-1991

Awesome Basque restaurant. They have a great multicourse set menu

(dessert and wine included) for 25 Euros per person; at least, that was the price in 2002.

LA TORRETA

Platja Sant Sebastia

Port Alegre 17, SITGES (note: This is in Sitges, not Barcelona).

Very good paellas.

I would be the world’s worst food critic. I like almost everything that I eat. Who, in their right minds, would read a dining column in which every restaurant is awarded four stars. I suppose that’s why Gourmet magazine won’t return my calls.

Although I do like everything, I like some stuff more than others. So…for the info-tainment of my loyal virtual tapas bar patrons, I list below (in no particular order) my restaurant recommendations for Madrid, Spain. Before running out and requesting a table, please remember one important factoid: People START eating dinner at 9:30pm in Madrid. Any earlier, and the restaurant will probably not accept you (unless it is a tourist trap). No, Toto, you ain’t in Kansas anymore.

La Bola Taberna
Bola, 5
Tel: 91 547 69 30
Metro : Santo Domingo
*Does NOT accept credit cards.

La Castela
Doctor Castelo, 22.
Tels: 91 573 55 90
91 574 00 15
Metro: Ibiza
This place has a bar in front that serves some of the best tapas in Madrid. The restaurant is behind the bar (i.e., go through the doorway that is on the left-hand side of the bar), and it’s outstanding.

La Hoja
c/ Doctor Castelo, 48
Tel.: 91 409 25 22
http://www.lahoja.es/
This is an Asturian (northern Spain) restaurant. Everything here is great. The house specialty is Fabes Asturianas. They also have some interesting game dishes.

Casa Pello
c/Doctor Castelo, 2
Tel: 91-574-0103
Order the Cocido Madrileño. It’s the house specialty.

Asador Velate
Jorge Juan, 91
Tel: 91-435-1024
A Basque restaurant specializing in roasted meats. I highly recommend filet mignon with foie.

Al-Jaima
c/ Barbieri, 1
Metro: Gran Via & Chueca
Tel: 91-523-1142
Our favorite Morroccan restaurant. Not pricey. You will need a reservation.

Buen Gusto
Pº Santa María de la Cabeza, 60
28045 Madrid
Tel: 915-30-50-62
Our favorite Chinese restaurant. Confirmed authentic by the friend of a friend who lived in China.

Entre Suspiro y Suspiro
Caños del Peral, 3 (Semiesquina Pza. Isabel II)
28013 Madrid
Tel: 91-542-06-44
Perhaps the only great Mexican restaurant in Spain. At least, the only one that I’ve found.

Tandoori Station
José Ortega y Gasset, 89
Madrid
Tel: 91 401 22 28
My favorite Indian restaurant. Vibrant flavors abound. Serves a Chicken Vindaloo that set me adrift on waves of eye-watering, nose-dribbling, tongue-throbbing ecstasy.

Other notes:

Central Spain is known for roast meats. Try “cochinillo” (roasted milk-fed baby pig) or “cordero lechal” (roasted milk-fed baby lamb). Madrid has two specialty dishes: Cocido Madrileño (multi-course stew of garbanzo beans and other stuff), and “Callos Madrileños” (tripe stew). Casa Pello has a great Cocido.

Spain is also known for its sherry. You can order a glass in any bar. There are various categories. From lightest/dryest to darkest/sweetest, they are: Fino; Manzanilla; Amontillado; Oloroso; Pedro Ximenez.

Do not, under any circumstances, order sangria. You will get the cheapest, most vile, low-quality wine in stock…flavored with enough juice, fruit, and other additives to make it barely palatable. If you want sangria, come to my house and I will make it for you.

Wines are typically categorized by aging. This varies by region, but is generally true. Categories are:

Joven (youngest)
Crianza (aged longer in barrel and bottle)
Reserva (aged longer still)
Gran Reserva (aged longest)

Stick with Crianza or Reserva, if you have the choice.

Spain has a ton of different wine regions, but my favorites are: Somotano (My favorite region…great wines at reasonable prices); Priorato (strong, dense wines…also expensive); Ribera del Duero (Spain’s second largest wine region…with unique smell); Rioja (Spain’s largest and most famous…great stuff, but you can find it anywhere in the world); Toro (powerful, purple wines that are becoming trendy…but are still quite reasonable).

Friends, Romans and clones of Dr. Funkenstein:

Greetings from the plains of Castilla-LaMancha, Spain…and welcome to the first posting of my blog. There were many challenges to be surmounted in bringing this blog to you.

Challenge #1: Figuring out what the hell a blog is. I’d heard this term used with increasing frequency in the US media during 2004. Blog-mania hit a fever pitch during the democratic primaries. Each candidate seemed to get two things in his “I Wanna Be President” starter kit: A US flag lapel pin, and a copy of “Blogging for Dummies.” Dean did it. Kerry did it. Gephart did it. They all did it. Well…actually, none of them really did it. Their “people” did it for them; but delegation is the sign of a good manager, so we won’t deduct points.

But what is a blog? Sounds like something one drinks from a pewter mug. I turned for answers to the oracle of our generation: Google. A blog, as it turns out, is a web log. An Internet dumping ground for people’s thoughts, observations, recommendations and other ramblings…no matter how banal they might be. The digital wasteland done found itself a ‘nuther niche. So I got one. If you’ve got a niche, scratch it.

Challenge #2: Figuring out why I needed a blog? Truth be told, I don’t. Between changing diapers, cooking meals, grocery shopping, working out (when I feel sufficiently motivated to resist the snooze-bar’s siren call) and that work-thing that constantly conflicts with my sunbathing schedule, I didn’t really need an additional item on my plate. What I did need, though, was some kind of respite from the dryness of my daily existence. Spending forty hours per week (Editor’s note: If you are reading this, Paul, I meant to say sixty hours) staring at contract clauses in eight point type and debating the most prudent placement of terms like “hereinafter,” “thereby,” and “notwithstanding the foregoing” does cause one to seek a creative outlet of sorts; and Spain’s warm climate seemed to render butter sculpting impractical. Plus, my lovely wife Maria travels on a weekly basis, and there are just so many times one can watch the same Sopranos DVD Box Set before going bonkers.

Challenge #3: Naming my new blog. I thought this would be easy. Just think up a clever word play by substituting the word “blog” for “dog,” “hog,” “cog,” or any of its brethren. I churned out a healthy list of candidates: Sal’s Blog Cabin; Sal’s Blog Day Afternoon; Goin’ Whole Blog with Sal; Sal’s Three Blog Night; Blog Wild with Sal; etc. Feeling proud of my sharp wit and powerful mind, I decided to do a quick Google search to confirm my belief that no one on earth had ever coined any of these magnificent titles. Well, my confidence was a bit unfounded. Truth be told, the least used of the bunch yielded no less than 17 pages of hits. That’s the problem with the Internet age. It reinforces the fact that nobody on this planet has had an original thought since Jimi played Berkeley. In the good old days when people actually went to the library to do research, I might have operated under the delusion of my own cleverness for years before stumbling upon a DesMoine Star Register clipping that mentioned “Cooter’s Blog Cabin” in the “For Singles Only” column. In the Google age, however, delusions of grandeur are measured in nanoseconds. In my own defense, however, one of my phrases did register a startling zero hits: “Sal’s Triple Blog Dare Ya’.” I’ll bet there will be a hit tomorrow morning. In the end, I decided that word play is the domain of burned out ad execs and opted for the geographically relevant title, “Sal’s Virtual Tapas Bar.”

Challenge #4: Deciding what to write about. Indeed…the toughest challenge of all. I’ve no answers for this one quite yet. But I have faith that my masterful typing skills, combined with Spain’s plentitud of cheap yet outstanding wines, will lead the way forward. Take this first posting, for instance. I’ve barely finished a glass of wine, and have already spewed 1,127 words.