Month: November 2006

Critiquing the grammar in Elvis songs is something that has been floating around my brain for years.

I was just waiting for the right moment (i.e., a moment when I had nothing more interesting or intelligent about which to write).

Well, that moment has arrived. So…at the risk of incurring the wrath of Trac, I give you the first installment of “Grammatical Errors in Elvis Songs!”

Love me tenderLY, [“TENDER” IS AN ADVERB, ELVIS. IT REQUIRES THE SUFFIX “-LY.”]
Love me sweetLY, [OH DEAR, ANOTHER PESKY ADVERB.]
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so [“I LOVE YOU” SO WHAT? SO DEEPLY? SO OBSESSIVELY? SO COCONUTILY?].

Love me tenderLY, [JESUS! DIDN’T I JUST CORRECT THIS SAME ERROR?]
Love me trueLY, [LOOK…NOW I’M STARTING TO GET PISSED-OFF.]
All my dreams ARE fulfilled. [OH GREAT! NOW WE’RE TREATING VERBS AS OPTIONAL, TOO?]
For my darlin’G I love you, [“DARLIN’?!” HEY, ELVIS…I KNOW YOU’RE FROM MISSISSIPPI AND ALL, BUT…]
And I always will.

Love me tenderLY, [ARGHH!!! LOLLY’S, LOLLY’S, LOLLY’S…GET YOUR ADVERBS THERE… LEARN IT! LIVE IT!]
Love me long, [“LONG?!” DO MEAN, “LENGTHILY?”]
Take me to your heart.
For it’s there that I belong, [WELL…AT LEAST HE USED THE PROPER CONTRACTION OF “IT IS.”]
And we’ll never part.

Love me tenderLY, [I’M NOT READING ANYMORE. I AM NOT READING ANYMORE!]
Love me dearLY, [GRRRRR…!]
Tell me you are mine.
I’ll be yours through all the years,
Till the end of time.

When at last my dreams come true
Darling this I know
Happiness will follow you
Everywhere you go. [WOW! AN ENTIRE VERSE WITH NO GRAMMATICAL ERRORS! MAYBE THAT OL’ BOY IS LEARIN’ GOODER THAN I THOUGHT?]

This VTB tends to be a politics-free zone. That’s intentional, and I do it for several reasons.

First, I value all seven of my readers and don’t want to risk alienating any of them.

Second, let’s be honest. The only thing more boring than politics is being forced to listen to another person’s views about politics.

And third…the last time that your virtual bartender ventured outside of the politics-free zone, he got his fingers burnt.

It’s with that background in mind that I remained merrily aloof vis-a-vis the pivotal mid-term elections that took place last night in the US. And now that the results are in, please allow me one fleeting moment outside “the zone.”

Jack, Eric, Ginger…take it away!

[Oh yeah. Don’t forget…COCONUT!]

In a fit of post-divorce redecorating, I bought a new dining room table.

Why am I telling you this? Well, there are several reasons:

1. My brain—and in particular, that creative hunk of it with the Latin name—is barely running on fumes these days. Tossing-off an unspeakably banal post about an article of furniture seemed like an easy way to fulfill my semi-weekly publishing obligation.

2. This table spurred an interesting conversation with the woman who sold it to me. I bought it at a plant/tree nursery in town. They had no mosaic tables in stock, but agreed to place an order with the distributor. The saleswoman informed that they sell very, very few mosaic tables. I asked why? She said that Spaniards much prefer those hideous, molded-concrete table/bench combinations for their outdoor patios. But, I said, this table isn’t for my outdoor patio. It’s for my dining room. She looked at me as if I had offered to cook and eat her first-born child. Then she said, “Oh, no…nobody puts these tables indoors.” Go figure!

3. I have the same table—albeit, a smaller, round version—in my kitchen…and Angie has mentioned several times how much she loves it. So…there, Ang. This one’s for you.

4. And finally….that hairy little brown sphere in the middle of the table provides me with the perfect segway to say something of great importance: COCONUT!

OK! Now I can enter the weekend with a clear conscience.