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THE DETROIT SAUNA.

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Sal DeTraglia

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Ever since reading this post by our good friends Canadian-Swiss and Orange-X, I’ve been suffering from an acute case of in-home sauna envy.

I’d LOVE to have one of those in my basement, but I don’t think it’s going to happen during this fiscal quarter. I did, however, have a near-sauna expeience this afternoon.

It was a sunny day and my car had been sitting outside for a few hours with the windows up. I needed to go to the supermarket at 3pm, and when I sat down in the driver’s seat…I had a “moment.”

The car was about 100 degrees. 100 dry degrees. Kinda like…you know…a Finnish sauna.

My body got all tingly and I just sat there for awhile…very happily.

Then I had a vision. A vision of an Internet video that somebody needs to make. I had a vision of…

THE DETROIT SAUNA.

Scene #1: Camera pans across a typical US suburban neighborhood. A man is mowing his lawn. The sun is blazing and he is sweating profusely. It’s obviously a very hot summer day.

Scene #2: The front door of the house next door opens. Out walks the homeowner. He is wearing nothing but a pair of sandals and a small towel around his waist. He begns walking down his front walkway.

Scene #3: The man mowing his lawn freezes in his tracks. He stares in disbelief; mouth agape.

Scene #4: The man in the towel reaches the end of the walkway. There is a Ford Focus station wagon parked at the edge of his yard. He opens the driver’s side door, removes his towel (exposing his bare ass to the entire neighboor), lays the towel on the seat, sits down and closes the car door.

Scene #5: Man with lawn mower still staring with mouth agape.

Scene #6: Man in the car begins whipping himself with a eucalyptus branch.

Cool, eh? As I said, some budding young Internet video director really, really needs to make this film. And if he does, then I predict that it will soon find its way into the email Inbox of every corporate lackey in the northern hemisphere.

So…who’s gonna make it?

How about you, Walt? You have a flare for this sort of thing. And besides, you’ve already dropped your pants for the Internet once before.

Comments

14 responses to “THE DETROIT SAUNA.”

  1. sp Avatar
    sp

    I think that dry 100 degree heat must have gone to your head… are you sure you want a sauna in your basement? 😉

    Reply
  2. Karl Avatar
    Karl

    Sal,

    My brother-in-law has a sauna in his house and while he used it regularly for the first month he hardly uses it at all now. On the other hand if you go to a sauna in town you might see people there that you know – which only needs to be as awkward as you make it.

    Reply
  3. christina Avatar
    christina

    Well I think the obvious candidate is staring you in the face every morning from the bathroom mirror, Sal! You’d be famous. Well, more famous, I mean.

    Mr. M has been threatening to build a sauna in our garage (which due to very bad planning on someone else’s part can’t be used to park a car in) but I doubt he’ll ever do it. If he does, I’ll let you know and the next time you’re in Germany you can try it out. He does go with his best buddy every Sunday after their tennis game, though. Lots of fun if, like Karl says, you don’t mind seeing your butcher stark naked and sweating bullets.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    Sauna Fun in Northern Minnesota

    My Grandparents lived in northern Minnesota – WNW of Duluth. They didn’t have indoor plumbing until 1965, when they moved off the farm. They did have a sauna, as most of the neighbors did. The new house also had a sauna.
    As there wasn’t much in the way of night life up in the spruce swamps, the neighbors (many of who also lacked indoor facilities) would get together on most Saturday nights for a sauna – changing houses weekly – a bath once a week whether one needed it or not. :-O The men would go first, while the women prepared coffee & food. The men would get it so hot the sap would run out of the boards on the walls. Last one out was THE MAN. My Grandpa was often that man – very tough – even if it meant passing out on the floor on the way out. The key to this game is, as you are taking turns throwing water onto the rocks, you out fox your competition when you are almost at your limit by saying that it’s taking too long to get hot and that you really want to get it hot in here – then you throw a double or triple dipper of water on the rocks and of course every one else is pretty close to their limits, too and they think you’re nuts and make a mad dash for the door – now, to win you just have to be the last one out the door!!
    Another fun game, played when it was well below zero – (Fahrenheit) (which happens with much consistency in northern Minnesota) was to see which young man could run farthest out into the snow covered pasture naked (after scorching in the sauna for a while). I’ve been told the trip out isn’t too bad – you run out until you’re freezing – but the trip back is a bit more troublesome – freezing your parts off as you avoid the larger snow drifts in anticipation of relief in the hot sauna. The next day the foot prints would tell who won.
    I always like going to the sauna as a kid – I would sit on the lower bench with my brother and my Dad and Grandpa would sit on the top – up in the real heat – and take turns throwing water on the rocks. My Grandpa could always chase us out!!
    My Dad said one never wasted much time in the outhouse when it was 35 below – but, that’s another story!
    I would love to have a sauna in my house. My grandpa died about 20 years ago and it’s been about a half dozen years since my last visit to northern Minnesota and a sauna.

    — DJG

    Reply
  5. Sal DeTraglia Avatar
    Sal DeTraglia

    Well…I think that a sauna would be more practical than a jacuzzi (not that I’m realistically in the market for that either). A lot less maintenance and a lot easier on the electricity bill. Karl may be right in that it wouldn’t get much use after first month. It certainly wouldn’t get much use during the month of August, when the entire country of Spain is a giant sauna.

    But still, I think it would be a pretty cool thing to have. And for not much more than the cost of a large screen plasma TV. Plus, I already have an offer from two friends in Helsinki to come down and break it in.

    Yeah, a sauna. One can always dream, can’t he?

    Reply
  6. Angie Avatar
    Angie

    I also nominate Walt. But who will play the part of the eucalyptus-whipper? I’m with Christina — your fame would be ass-tonishing.

    (Groan…Sorry, it’s late… that’s the best I could come up with.)

    Reply
  7. christina Avatar
    christina

    All hail to Angie, the Queen of Late Night Puns!

    Reply
  8. cream Avatar
    cream

    Here, if you stripped in the street, you’d definitely find yourself in hot water!

    Reply
  9. Angie Avatar
    Angie

    Thanks, folks, I’ll be here all week.

    Reply
  10. CanadianSwiss Avatar
    CanadianSwiss

    I’m honored to have left such a good impression with our weekend. I was wondering if you were planning to use the sauna in the hot Spanish summer months.

    Now about your film: I’m game to film but who will play the main role?

    Reply
  11. Sal DeTraglia Avatar
    Sal DeTraglia

    I’d love to star in this film, but I’m afraid that this kind of publicity might someday disqualifying me from becoming the US Ambassador to Lichtenstein. Although I suspect that the Absinthe adventure alone might’ve disqualified me.

    But if C-Swiss is going to do the filming, then I think that the star must be Orange-X. I hope this kind of publicity doesn’t disqualify him from getting a Canadian residency visa.

    Reply
  12. The Big Finn Avatar
    The Big Finn

    Yes…of course we had a sauna in our house when we lived in Chicago. Also – for the record – a true Finnish sauna is not dry. You have to throw water on the rocks so that you build up a nice löyly. Löyly doesn’t really have an English translation. Most people say it means steam – but that’s höyry. Löyly basically means the feeling of the heat hitting your face after you’ve thrown water on the rocks in the sauna.
    That completes your Finnish lesson for the day (God…I hope I spelled those Finnish words correctly!).

    Reply
  13. Sal DeTraglia Avatar
    Sal DeTraglia

    Hey, The Big Finn is back from Chicago!

    So…hoyry means steam. Loyly means steamed.

    While we’re on a roll, doylie is a frilly place mat. Coyly means to do something on the sly.

    About this practice of throwing water on the rocks…

    Nah! I’d better not go there.

    Kiitos for the Finnish lesson. I’m always happy to learn and spread the culture…even before Conan made it fashionable.

    Reply
  14. CanadianSwiss Avatar
    CanadianSwiss

    So if I film, Orange plays the main role, someone still has to cut the film. I’d rather not let youdo that: you might show “parts” not everyone wants to see. I also still want Orange to get his PR 😉

    PS: The cutting could be done by TBF. He did a great job when O-X dropped HIS pants (yes, he did) at one of TBF’s parties last year!

    Reply

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