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There are some people whose only taste of COCONUT during their entire lives was within the context of an Almond Joy or Raspberry Zinger.

Come to think of it, that still sounds like a pretty damn good life. But a true coco-head really should try this ambrosia in its purest state.

So this afternoon, my daughter–who, BTW, loves COCONUT almost as much as I do–and I created this short tutorial. But before I begin, let me put your minds at ease. The victim in this tutorial was not Captain Coconut. It was a stunt double.

So, let’s get started.

Step 1: Take a COCONUT, a hammer and a Phillips-head screwdriver. Then, reenact that famous scene from “Oedipus Rex.” Yes, that’s right…you must drive that screwdriver through two of the COCONUT’S eyes. No, it’s not necessary that the COCONUT in question marry his mother. Drain the liquid from the COCONUT and drink it, or something.

Step 2: Roast the whole COCONUT in a 375ºF oven for twenty minutes.

Step 3: When cool, grab that hammer again and crack the COCONUT.

Step 4: Peel the dark brown skin off of the outside of the COCONUT flesh.

Step 5: Crunch away, amigos.

Fat Sal never breaks a promise.

That’s true under normal circumstances. But it’s triple-dog true when that promise pertains to his beloved COCONUT.

So recall, if you will, that I recently committed to our good friend Euro Trac that I would dress Captain Coconut as The King.

And so…as you see above…another promise has been fulfilled.

Hey Trac, why don’t you tell everyone what type of sandwich that is?

I had seen the brown UPS van driving through my neighborhood yesterday, and it struck me as odd.

DHL, TNT and Federal Express are common sights around here. But I hadn’t seen a UPS van for at least a year.

“Whatever!” I muttered to myself, and went back to my desk to resume the crucial task at hand—trying to hang hoop-earrings on a COCONUT.

Then the doorbell rang.

I ran downstairs, opened the door and found myself face-to-face with man dressed from head to toe in brown polyester. He was holding a very large, very well-wrapped cardboard box.

“Package for Mr. Fat Sal.”

I signed for the package, took it from the UPS guy and looked at the mailing label. It was postmarked, “Copenhagen, Denmark.”

“Copenhagen?!” I thought to myself. “Copenhagen? Copenh…HEY!!! Isn’t it almost the month of…!!!”

I spun ‘round on my heel, ran into the house, tossed the package on the kitchen island and grabbed the nearest knife.

I sliced through the packing tape, peeled open the boxtop and parted the bubble wrap.

There they were! Just as I had hoped. Two 0.5 liter bottles of Paulaner Oktoberfest Beer and a note that said the following:
”INSERTING INTO MOUTH MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH.”

Thank you, Anders…on what is happily becoming an annual event. You’re the best Viking friend a guy could ever have.

And Happy Oktoberfest to all.

My scholarly dissertation on the Spanish “cocktail,” Calimocho, is now published in The Spirit World.

Check it out by clicking here.

Few things are more stess-inducing than hanging upside-down from a palm tree all day.

But fear not! A nice, deep-tissue massage will help to work the kinks out of the most tense, hardened coconut shell.

But what type of oil should be used when massaging a coconut?

Surely not coconut oil?! That would seem a bit…cannibalistic, no?

You all know that my colleague Lisa Marie and I were working hard in London last week.

What you might not know, however, is that we took a little time to have some fun.

What kind of fun? Well…if you REALLY want to know, then click HERE.

It takes awhile to load, but I promise that it will be worth it.