[Note: This is an essay that was recently published in Expatica Spain.]An expat living in a foreign land faces many challenges. Strange languages. Frustrating bureaucracy. Mind-boggling tax codes. And…Flat Stanley.

What? You’ve never heard of Flat Stanley?! You, my friend, must not be American.

Flat Stanley is the main character from the book of the same name written by Jeff Brown. According to the story, Stanley is a normal kid until he is flattened by a falling bulletin board. Rather than spiraling into an alcoholic depression over his two-dimensional existence in a three-dimensional world, Flat Stanley sees opportunities. Most notably, that he can fold himself into an envelope and mail himself anywhere in the world.

Think of him as a cross between Michael Palin and Kate Moss.

Many, MANY six and seven year old American kids read Flat Stanley in school. They then embark on an ingenious class project. Each kid gets a xeroxed image of Flat Stanley and mails it to someone they—or, more likely, their parents—know in another part of the US or the world.

The recipient then takes Flat Stanley out on the town, photographs him in front of local tourist sites, drafts a brief write-up of his adventures and mails it all back. The lucky student brings the booty to school, and the entire class learns about the interesting place that Flat Stanley “visited.”

Cool idea, eh? And to think…my only memories of first grade are, “See Spot run. Run, Spot, run!”

At least once per year since I moved to Spain in 1999, Flat Stanley has leaped out of my mailbox. The last one arrived two weeks ago from a pip-squeak in Indiana named Reed.

And believe it or not, I actually like getting Flat Stanleys (in moderation, that is!). I’ve taken past Flat Stanleys to bullrings, bars, Gaudi buildings and sheep farms. I’ve photographed him in front of strip joints (you know…just for laughs). I’ve even pinned him to my backpack and taken him on an eight kilometer run with the Madrid Hash.

That’s the fun part of life with Flat Stanley. The not-so-fun part is preparing the write-up. But I solved this inconvenience several years ago by drafting a series of Flat Stanley letter templates.

Reproduced below is the Madrid version of my template. I post the Barcelona version at a later date.

Those of you prone to plagiarism may find my templates useful at some point in the future. Why? Because if you’re living in Spain and have friends or family in the US with small kids, then mark my words…you WILL be visited by Flat Stanley sooner or later.

My scholarly dissertation on Dyc—Spain’s most pitiful excuse for a Scotch whiskey—is now published in The Spirit World.

Check it out by clicking here.

For those astute readers who’ve noticed that this essay includes “recycled” material, just remember…One man’s laziness is another man’s synergy.

Ever since reading this post by our good friends Canadian-Swiss and Orange-X, I’ve been suffering from an acute case of in-home sauna envy.

I’d LOVE to have one of those in my basement, but I don’t think it’s going to happen during this fiscal quarter. I did, however, have a near-sauna expeience this afternoon.

It was a sunny day and my car had been sitting outside for a few hours with the windows up. I needed to go to the supermarket at 3pm, and when I sat down in the driver’s seat…I had a “moment.”

The car was about 100 degrees. 100 dry degrees. Kinda like…you know…a Finnish sauna.

My body got all tingly and I just sat there for awhile…very happily.

Then I had a vision. A vision of an Internet video that somebody needs to make. I had a vision of…

Cool, eh? As I said, some budding young Internet video director really, really needs to make this film. And if he does, then I predict that it will soon find its way into the email Inbox of every corporate lackey in the northern hemisphere.

So…who’s gonna make it?

How about you, Walt? You have a flare for this sort of thing. And besides, you’ve already dropped your pants for the Internet once before.

[Note: This is an essay that was recently published in Expatica Spain.]

I’ve been watching Spanish teenagers a lot since I moved here in 1999. And it’s not just because they refuse to talk with me. They are, in fact, fascinating creatures to observe—and, contrary to some of their US counterparts, are unlikely to be concealing weapons.

Whether it’s due to curiosity or age, I’ve amassed a number of conclusions about their behavior that I’d like to share. So let’s begin this discussion on a scientific note. Evolution!

Within the next one hundred years, evolutionary forces will render the average Spanish teenager’s legs non-existent. This will happen because those legs are, in fact, redundant appendages—having been replaced long ago with the two-wheels of a Vespa® motorbike.

Spanish teens ride motorbikes everywhere. They ride them to the supermarket. They ride them to the park. They ride them to the toilet at 3am. But do they ride them responsibly? The answer is…“kind of.”

Spain has a mandatory helmet law, which teens strictly observe in spirit—if not in letter. The problem, you see, is not whether they wear their helmets. It’s where.

Half of all teenage motorbike drivers wear an unstrapped helmet balanced gingerly atop the crown of the head. This has the dual advantage of allowing the sun’s nourishing rays to penetrate the driver’s scalp, while freeing his face to smoke a cigarette at eighty kilometers per hour.

The other half wear their helmets on the elbow.

Arguably, however, Spanish teens don’t *need* to wear helmets because they’ve devised other, ingenious ways of making the motorbike experience a safer one. Foremost amongst these is to remove the muffler from the motorbike’s exhaust pipe and replace it with an empty beer can. This modification effectively notifies other motorists on the road—and in fact, across the entire province—that a teenager is in the vicinity and all lane changes should therefore be made with extra care.

They then take safety-consciousness one step further by driving these modified screamers between the hours of midnight and 3am—a time during which they’re likely to have the roads all to themselves, because the rest of the populace has long-since gone to bed and is trying to sleep.

But enough about science. Let’s move on to fashion.

A few years ago, my then-thirteen year old cousin from Nashville, Tennessee visited me in Barcelona. It was his first trip abroad. After twenty-four hours in town, he looked up to me and said, “Gosh!” [Apparently, they still say “Gosh!” in Nashville.] “The kids in Spain sure wear tight jeans.”

“What do they wear in Nashville?” I asked.

“The same thing, but six sizes bigger.”

And he was right, as I learned upon returning home the following Christmas. US teenagers wear ass-crack-to-floor length blue jeans so baggy and tattered that even Charlie Chaplin would be reluctant to don them; whereas their Spanish counterparts prefer jeans that appear to have been fashioned from Lycra and pulled from the wardrobe of a Barbie Dream House®.

I’m not sure why teens on each side of the Atlantic choose to dress so differently. Aren’t teenagers supposed to be the same the world over? I do, however, see logic in each side’s position. On the one hand, it makes perfect sense for teenage girls to flaunt their newly-budding bodies by wearing form-fitting jeans. On the other hand, it makes perfect sense for teenage boys to conceal their delight at such flaunting by wearing enormous, loose-fitting jeans.

And speaking of newly-budding bodies, let’s move on to our next topic…PDA.

Spanish teens are great aficionados of PDA. By “PDA,” I don’t mean Personal Digital Assistants. No teen would be interested in one of those, unless its screen displayed images of muscular bald men hacking each other to pieces with samurai swords. Rather, the PDA that I’m talking about is Public Display of Affection.

And when it comes to THAT type of PDA, Spanish teens are performance artists without out equal. Indeed, they’ll seize any opportunity to launch into a well-rehearsed pantomime of two carp pursuing the same piece of bread…and they’ll do it anywhere. They’ll do it in a commuter train. They’ll do it on a park bench. Or—as happens all too frequently—they’ll do it in a restaurant…at the table in front of me…while I’m trying to eat dinner.

Which brings us to our final topic for today—the botellón.

When the weekend rolls around, Spanish teens take to the supermarket. And what do they buy? They buy two-liter jugs of Coca-Cola, Tetrabrik boxes of low-grade red wine, bottles of the cheapest simulated Scotch whiskey on the shelf…and potato chips. Lots of potato chips. Then they congregate at a pre-arranged location for a “botellón.”

Botellones are informal, open-air parties at which several to hundreds of teenagers compete to see who can achieve the most skull-crushing hangover for the least amount of money. Botellones used to be a widespread occurrence throughout Spain—usually taking place in public parks of major cities. But alas, Spanish authorities began clamping down on these parties because—amongst other reasons—the kids failed to remember what their parents had taught them: Always pick-up after yourself.

Botellones still happen, of course. But they’ve moved on to more discrete venues. Here in Sanchoville, the weekly botellón takes place in the cornfields up the street from my house.

I was tempted to join these Children of the Corn during last Friday’s festivities. You know…for journalistic reasons. In the end, however, I decided against it—as being caught drinking Calimochos (i.e., red wine and Coca-cola cocktails) with peers who were wearing diapers when I was wearing university robes might not bode well for me when it comes time to renew my residency visa.

And anyway…they probably would’ve refused to talk with me.

Explains a lot, don’t you think?

…Slim Whitman?

That’s right, Slim Whitman! You’ll never believe it, but he helped me fix a flat tire on the highway this afternoon.

Actually…you shouldn’t believe it, because it’s not true. What IS true, however, is that I was sitting here thinking that I really needed to post something new on the VTB…but had no ideas and even less motivation. So I assumed the lotus position and dropped a hook into the deepest recesses of that surreal part of my brain. You know…the one with the Latin name.

I felt a nibble on the hook, gave it a sharp tug, reeled it in and found Slim wiggling on the end of the line.

So…who is Slim Whitman? He’s a country singer that yodels.

And why, you may be wondering, has a yodelling country singer been honored with a star on my Subconscious Walk of Fame? It’s because the commercial for Slim’s greatest hits album aired on late night TV every seven minutes during the two years that I was in Junior High School.

If you’ve seen the commercial, it’s impossible to forget. Slim stands in front a barn dressed as a matador…or something. The barn isn’t real. It’s obviously just a low-budget prop on TV studio sound stage. He begins yodelling, and a voiceover begins.

“This country superstar has sold more records than Elvis or The Beatles.”

That claim always struck me as a bit suspect, since I couldn’t find a single person who had heard of Slim before those TV commercials began airing.

Anyway…Slim continued yodelling through a medley of his hits as the commercial proceeded. And at one point, Slim’s face appeared in a box at the lower corner of the screen…and the man himself spoke!

“All the songs on this album have touched my heart. I hope they touch your heart, too.”

Viewers were then informed that a check or money order would be required. Sorry, but no C.O.D.’s.

Slim quickly became a hot topic amongst my classmates and I. Not because we wanted to buy his album. Heavens no! But simply because his commercial was so damn kitchilicious.

“Slim rocks!” Began appearing on chalkboards and bathroom walls.

Thirteen year old boys began asking thirteen year old girls if they could, “Touch your heart, too.”

If our pre-prubescent bodies could muster the testosterone, I’m sure we all would’ve grown pencil-moustaches.

Think I’m nuts? Well then…go find yourself an American guy who is more or less my age (39) and say the words, “Slim Whitman.” Then step back and gauge his reaction.

Whatever it is, I’ll betcha it involves a yodel.

[Note: This is an essay that was recently published in Expatica Spain.]

As I type these words, my laptop and I are sitting on the strikingly uncomfortable seat of a Cercanias train en route from Guadalajara to Madrid.  This is the standard mode of transport for those of us who are too far from the city to walk, yet too smart to drive. 

But liberation from the tyranny of traffic and parking isn’t the only reason that I like taking this train. There’s another. Each train ride reminds me of how much Spain’s face—and faces—have changed since I moved here six years ago. Let me explain.

One of the first things I noticed when I moved to Spain in 1999 was the homogeneity of its people.  Street after street, block after block, bar after bar…everybody looked the same. Short, thin people with dark hair, dark eyes and olive skin. In other words, everybody looked like ME—but with much nicer shoes.

Perhaps I would’ve taken such homogeneity in stride if I were an expat from—say—Japan or Iceland. But I moved here from the US—a country that prides itself on being a melting pot (or perhaps more accurately…a mosaic) of cultures.  Worse still, I came from Chicago—a city that is diverse even by the US’s lofty standards. In Chicago, it’s rare to walk past three consecutive people that have the same color of skin, hair or eyes.

This was, in fact, one of the things that I liked best about Chicago.  I could throw a dart at a world map and whichever country it hit, I could find that type of restaurant, store or neighborhood somewhere in the city.  In a single day, I could eat kielbasa sausage at a Polish buffet…then drink ouzo at a Greektown bar…then fill my shopping cart with kimchee, dried cuttlefish and barley tea at a Korean strip mall…and then watch belly-dancers until 3am at a Lebanese cabaret while smoking a hookah pipe stuffed with apple-flavored tobacco.  A night on the town in Chicago was like a vacation with Michael Palin.

Which brings me back to the train. The homogeneity in Spain that so shocked me in 1999 seems to have long-since evaporated—and I’m reminded of it every time that I ride this commuter train. During the one hour journey, my ears are bombarded with Slavic languages and Spanish spoken with South American accents. I see Africans and Asians and Hispanics. Lamentably, I’ve yet to find myself seated next to a belly-dancer…but I remain hopeful.

These observations are not, of course, limited to the train. I’ve noticed plenty of evidence of the demographic shift elsewhere. I was shopping recently at the Alcampo hypermarket in Alcala de Henares—a distant suburb of Madrid…by my standards, at least. The store had a huge “Welcome” sign over its entrance.  The sign was written in three languages. One of them was Polish.

One of the Guadalajara-area newspapers includes a regular supplement written in…Romanian!

And I was a resident of Barcelona during some of the heaviest waves of immigration from sub-Saharan Africa—including the period when the mass-squatting of black Africans in Plaza Catalunya was making national headlines. Rarely has a walk across a Spanish square seemed so exotic.

From my perspective, this is a good development.  I say that not just because I’m an expat here myself.  Rather, I truly believe that Spain’s expanding cultural mosaic makes it a much more interesting country. 

Many—if not most—of these new immigrants are working low-skill, menial jobs like construction, agriculture or house cleaning. But I’m REALLY looking forward to the day when these Poles and Russians and Nigerians lay down their hammers and feather-dusters, and start opening…restaurants!

And then—for the first time since Chicago—my days will be filled with kielbasa and kimchee and hookah pipes stuffed with apple-flavored tobacco.

But until that day arrives, I guess I’ll have to be content with fantasizing about belly-dancers on the train.