DEFENSE AGAINST THE BASEBALL BAT.

Man does not live on pusties alone.

No…a man needs other interests and endeavors to be well-rounded (and to prevent himself from becoming too rounded after snarfing a pair of pusties for breakfast each morning over the course of a week). Since my dreams of becoming a male underwear model probably ended with my 50th birthday (and no, that birthday was NOT last year), I embarked on the next best journey: Krava Maga.

Krav Maga is not a political thing. In fact, the name Krav Maga predates that other Maga by something like 70 years. It is, in fact, a personal defense system created by a Hungarian Jew named Imi Lichtenfeld prior to WWII. Today, Krav Maga is the personal defense system taught to the Israeli armed forces, as well as to countless police departments and soccer moms throughout the US.

Two weeks ago in class, we studied defense against a baseball bat attack. The drills during that class were a mix of Krav Maga and a Philippine martial art whose name I didn’t quite get.

For the benefit of my aging memory (and because my handwriting is illegible even to my own eyes), I detail the defense against the baseball steps below.

1. Attacker takes a right-handed swing at your noggin’.
2. You step forward with your left foot, point your elbows forward, forearms at a right angle to the lower arms, and palms open with thumbs tucked in and hands cupped(aka, “monkey paw”). Think of it as a double-armed “Walk Like An Egyptian” pose.
3. Left hand/forearm blocks the attacker’s left arm below the elbow; right hand/forearm blocks the attacker’s left deltoid. This stops the swing.
4. Once the swing is blocked, grab the attacker’s left wrist with your left hand; reach your right hand over/across the attacker’s forearms, reach under his forearms, and grab your own left arm with your right hand.
5. Pull in your elbows to trap his arms and bat. The completed defense should look like the photo above.
6. Once the attacker is locked in, grab the bat with your right hand, pull it forward, and twist it out of his hands.

There you have it. If done correctly, you have just safely disarmed a pissed-off Little Leaguer. If not correctly, you’re in for a hell of a headache.