DULLARDS WITHOUT BORDERS.

I thought I could escape Bryan Adams by moving to Spain. I was wrong.

It’s nothing personal against the man. I’m sure he’s a swell guy who treats his mother like a queen and makes generous donations to his local animal shelter.

But his music! Let’s just say that I haven’t found his songs to be inspiring…or timeless…or—to be brutally honest—well-written. Let me give an example to clarify this point. This isn’t a specific Bryan Adams song; but rather, an amalgamation of all Bryan Adams songs:

Yeah.

Look into my eyes.

You’re the only girl for me.

You’re all I’ll ever need.

Yeah.

I really love you.

I really, really love you.

I really, really, really, really, really, really love you.

Yeah.

I’d die for you.

I’d really, really, really, really, really, really die for you.

Do you see what I mean? Not quite in the same league as Lennon’s and McCartney’s All You Need Is Love. To be honest, I’m not even sure it’s in the same league as that Gary Glitter song that’s played during basketball game intermissions.

Yet even in Spain, Bryan Adams’s music won’t go away. There is a nation-wide radio franchise called KISS-FM. Its music format is a relentless gush of saccharine-sweet ‘80’s pop—punctuated with a large dollop of Bryan Adams every fifteen to twenty minutes. Honestly!

KISS-FM is extremely popular in Spain. But worse yet, it’s extremely popular with all the wrong people—such as Mrs. Virtual Tapas Bar, my neighbor Jesús (who, lamentably, has wired his back patio with outdoor loud speakers) and every taxi driver with whom I’ve ridden since 1999.

Despite KISS-FM’s troubling ubiquity, I’d remained hopeful. I kept reminding myself of one important fact—Bryan Adam had not released an album since 1999. Could it be that he had retired from the limelight? Would he soon join the likes of Boy George and Ginger Spice on the scrap-pile of music has-beens?

Apparently not.

My hopes were dashed last week, when I learned that Bryan Adams had just released a new album. Its first single—creatively entitled, Flying—is already receiving airplay on KISS-FM. I heard it yesterday for the first time. And what did I think?

Well…I can honestly say that Mr. Adams has grown as a song-writer. He no longer relies on clichéd stanzas from high school-era, puppy-love notes as the sole content of his lyrics. To the contrary, he now infuses his lyrics with metaphorical imagery. Here is a verse from Flying:

Feels like we’re flyyyyyyyyin’.

Yeah.

Look into my eyes.

You’re the only girl for me.

You’re all I’ll ever need.

Feels like we’re flyyyyyyyyin’.

Yeah.

I really love you.

I really, really love you.

I really, really, really, really, really, really love you.

Feels like we’re flyyyyyyyyin’.

Yeah.

I’d die for you.

I’d really, really, really, really, really, really die for you.

How ironic life can be. I once believed that Canada’s cheesiest musical export was Gordon Lightfoot. Now I miss him. I really, really, really, really, really, really miss him.