AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF…”SILLY POEMS FOR IN-HOUSE ATTORNEYS.”

My employer—Acme Low-Carb Tongue Depressors, Inc.—takes Halloween seriously.

Each year, it throws a spirited Halloween party for employees. Festivities include a live band, food, drink a pumpkin-carving contest, costume contest and—the intended piece-de-resistance—a departmental skit contest.

I say “intended” because, in fact, only one department ever performs a skit—Human Resources.

This year, in an effort to stoke a bit of much-needed competition, one of the H/R Managers asked me to re-write the lyrics to The Supreme’s song, “Stop, In the Name of Love”—hoping that it would inspire a group frayed and frazzled lawyers to perform it at the contest.

Well…I knew that the odds of that happening were less than nil. But I wrote the lyrics, anyway—just to prove to myself that there remains some kernel of creativity in my increasingly weary brain.

The lyrics are set forth below. I suppose that you need to be an in-house corporate lawyer to fully appreciate it. But, hey…I guess that anyone can appreciate a good, silly rhyme. Plus…I wrote it, so I might as well share it.

 

STOP, IN THE NAME OF LAW.

Baby, baby, you call this crap a contract?
Seems it was written by a lemur that had smoked crack.
Participles dangle like a pair of fuzzy dice.
Your stilted prose would cause gastritis in both Strunk and White.

But this time before I start to red-line.
I’ll push your teeth in if you don’t push out the deadline.
(Think it over) I think you’d better take a seat and grab a tissue.
(Think it over) We need your input, this a commercial issue.

Stop, in the name of law.
Your logic has a flaw.
Stop, in the name of law.
Take my advice…withdraw.

Think it over.
Think it over.

Baby, baby, a lawyer’s task is bitter-sweet.
We fight our customers when they hold fire to our feet.
Business folks complain that I’m the deal-blocker man.
Then they come running to me when the poopie hits the fan.

But this time before the LD’s* fall.
And Finance VPs want to know just who approved it all.
(Think it over) It wasn’t Legal, it was you who granted your OK.
(Think it over) We can prove it, here’s your e-mail from June ‘98.

Stop, in the name of law.
Your logic has a flaw.
Stop, in the name of law.
Take my advice…withdraw.

Think it over.
Think it over.

Baby, baby, I write contracts both day and night.
At times it leads me to a troubling existential fight.
Is this the highest use of my dry wit and writing skills?
Why must my mind be ruled by IPR and poison pills?

But this time before I boot my Dell.
I have some breaking news that I must tell you.
(Think it over) No more customer fights or pleads or bent-knee grovels.
(Think it over) I’m gonna make my living writing romance novels.

Stop, in the name of law.
Your logic has a flaw.
Stop, in the name of law.
Take my advice…withdraw.

Think it over.
Think it over.

[* Note: The acronym “LDs” stands for “liquidated damages” (i.e., contractual penalties).]