A [SLIGHTLY RECYCLED] CHRISTMAS POEM FOR 2007.

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I don’t foresee myself having the time or the energy to write a new Christmas poem for this year; so I’ll recycle last year’s–which, I think, was a pretty good one.

You need to understand a few things about Spanish Christmas traditions to fully appreciate the poem. Specifically, that Christmas (and the arrival of Santa Claus/Father Christmas/Papa Noel) isn’t the huge event for kids in Spain that it is elsewhere.

Rather, Spanish kids get the majority of their gifts from–and thus, save the vast, vast majority of their enthusiasm for–the Three Wise Men (aka, Los Reyes Magos). Three Wise Men’s Day takes place on January 6 (i.e., the Epiphany).

And, so..with that background in mind, I give you your slightly recycled 2007 Christmas poem.

YOUR EXPAT BLOGGER’S CHRISTMAS POEM.

T’was the night before Christmas
And all throughout Spain
Towns were dry, scorched and dusty
Another year without rain.

Water bottles were placed
By the doorstep with care
Although nobody seems to know
Why thery’re put there.

The Spaniards were nestled
All snug in their beds
A day’s intake of brandy
Left dull pains in their heads.

I sat at my Apple
Filled with dread; feeling blue
Yet another damn holiday
With NOTHING to do.

When outside the house
There arose such a clatter
Could it be those damn goats?
Spreading more fecal matter?

I ran to the window
Threw open the pane
T’was a man dressed in red
With a bushy, white mane.

He said, “My name is Santa”
“And I’m ready to scream!”
He seemed to be suffering
From low self-esteem.

He said, “The children of Spain”
“Don’t give a hoot about me!”
“They only want those Three Wise Men”
“I feel as small as a flea.”

I said, “Calm down, my friend”
“There’s no reason to bleed”
“A little re-branding”
“Is all that you need.”

I put my hand on his shoulder
And gave it a pet
And said, “I’ll go fetch my razor”
“Drink some chilled Freixinet.”

With a wave of my hand
And some shave cream to match
I trimmed his beard down
To a funky soul patch.

Then we drove to Madrid
To meet a biker I knew
I said, “My friend here’s in need of”
“A “Keep on Truckin’” tatoo.”

A half hour later
His bicep was glowing
He looked in the mirror
And his face seemed all-knowing.

With a confident swagger
He walked into a park
And seized children’s attention
With a loud, mighty bark.

He said, “Listen up children!”
“Or I’ll give you a punch!”
“The fat man’s in town!”
“He eats Wise Men for lunch!”

The children were frightened
Yet they thought he seemed cool
Then they sat on his knees
As he sat on a stool.

With eyes like milk-saucers
Kids looked up to his face
“I’ll bet you’ve dated Madonna”
“And even got to third base!”

When the children disbanded
He wore a Cheshire Cat-grin
“So it’s true that it’s marketing”
“That makes the world spin.”

Then he rose to his feet
Donned Armani sunglasses
He puffed out his chest
And turned his back to the masses.

With a newly-found vigor
He hopped into his sleigh
And said, “From this day forward”
“Spain does Christmas *my* way.”

“There’ll be no more Roscón!”
“No more Wise Men parades!”
“The *true* Christmas ‘El Gordo’ ”
“Stands before you in shades.”

As he flew out of sight
I swear I heard him squeal
“Merry Christmas to all!”
“And to Sal…a BOOK DEAL!”

[This poem is dedicated to my fifth-grade teacher, Mr. Bailey. No, no, no…he’s not dead. But he is the original silly Christmas poet.]

22 thoughts on “A [SLIGHTLY RECYCLED] CHRISTMAS POEM FOR 2007.”

  1. This was great, Sal! Very clever… I loved it!

    When I was little (up until about age 4 or 5) – we celebrated 3 kings day as well (My P’s are from Poland) – only when they realized my sadness, did they start the less traditional (but somehow recognized worldwide) tradition of opening gifts on *Wigilia* – or Christmas eve. . .

    I am almost afraid to remind you, but there has been little mention of coconut these past few days. Could it be that coconut is taking second violin to something else?

    Merry Christmas!!!

    Reply

  2. Cute picture! 🙂

    Just keep recycling the poem every year, and pretty soon it will become tradition and Christmas won’t be the same without it. (Like cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving… really, what’s the point? But you have to have it, it’s TRADITION!)

    Reply

  9. VERY sweet picture.

    Recycling is a good thing. And someday that book deal WILL appear under your Christmas tree. The CIA is sure of it.

    I never thought I’d smack an innocent penguin, but man, once you start you just can’t stop. I got up to 567 and then quite before I got addicted.

    Reply

  10. Thanks, everyone. I guess that a silly poem is like good bottle of wine. It improves with age. The only difference is that I can keep a silly poem for a year. I’ve never managed to have a good bottle of wine last that long.

    Tatiana, thanks for the reminder. COCONUT! As important today as ever.

    Ang: The point of cranberries has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and everything to do with Absolut vodka.

    DJG: We really need to find you a hobby.

    Cream: I see a book deal in my future. The only problem is that it involves a 50% off coupon at Borders. Not quite the same.

    CSwiss: Repeat after me. “We *will* come in March. We *will* come in March.”

    Lady Di: Sorry I’ve been such a stranger lately. We’ll catch-up soon.

    Christina: Recycling is indeed a good thing. For example, recycling a ukulele from EBay. Eh? Eh?

    Reply

  12. When outside the house
    There arose such a clatter
    Could it be those damn goats?
    Spreading more fecal matter?

    What kind of madman works the phrase “fecal matter” in to a rhyme. Wow.

    Reply

  16. I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

    By following the simple advice I heard on “The Dr. Phil Show”, I have finally found inner peace.
    Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started and never finished”.

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

    Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

    Do you get “tormented” by “The Dr. Phil Show”, in Europe? My Grandma (pushing 97) loves to watch Dr. Phil – at a volume that can at times cause the ears to bleed.

    — DJG

    Reply

  17. Ugh, Dr. Phil. I did enjoy bashing the penguins once I started pretending they were Dr. Phil.

    525.1… not so hot. I think I’m better at haggis-bashing! This game would be better if the snowman was wearing a kilt. Can someone with computer skills get on that?

    Reply

  20. I just feel the urge to share some yodling with you.

    (From one of the worlds most misunderstood bands)

    I know, nothing to do with your wonderful poem at all, but sometimes you just have to do these things! :O)
    x

    Reply

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